Why I Stopped - PSA (mental health post)

As some of you may have noticed, I have not posted for quite a while now. There is a reason and I wanted to share this reason with you all.

In January last year I was doing a juice and smoothie cleanse and felt great. Pain was pretty much non-existent (yay). It was hard not having solids but I was happy because my aim was to become pain free (body reboot) and I was achieving that, that was until it was time to start introducing foods again to see what caused my inflammation.

Trying to decide what food to try first and trying to monitor how I felt afterwards became quite a process. My life revolved around the food/smoothies and avoiding pain of AS. I started to become frustrated and anxious because whatever I ate "could" lead to inflammation and that scared me. I was afraid to eat because of the potential pain associated. AFRIAD TO EAT!!

Now, I like to believe I'm a strong minded person and I believe that my strength is the reason I did not spiral into anorexia from there. But I did have an eating disorder. It is not a common one and it does not get talked about but I know that I had it and I am glad I escaped it before doing damage to my body. If you have not heard of this, please research it as it is sneaky but just as harmful and can lead anorexia.

What I had was Orthorexia.

Orthorexia is described as an “unhealthy obsession” with otherwise healthy eating. I was trying so hard to make sure I didn't consume the wrong foods that would lead to inflammation so my food choices became very restricted, to the point where I could not eat anything other than salad ingredients and salmon without the fear of impending inflammatory pain. And one of the main reasons for this fear was believing that pharmaceutical drugs were evil and that I should NEVER use anti-inflammatories (other than bio curcumin) meaning that once I was in pain it would take time for the inflammation to leave my body and I would be back to square one with my juice/smoothie cleanse and that would mean I had achieved nothing.

I became quite snappy to anyone who told me I was losing too much weight. I knew I had lost weight (18% of my body weight) but I was not unhealthy and that it would be ok because as soon as I started eating again because the extra fats from meats, etc would put my weight back on. I even went to a dietitian to make sure my diet contained the nutrition I needed, which I was told it did.

But in reality I was not fine and my loved ones could see that. I wanted to believe that I was mentally strong enough to come out the other side and achieve what I had set out to do. I was mentally strong, but my mental strength was focusing too hard on the wrong thing. The fear of doing the "wrong" thing. Of eating the "wrong" thing. Of disappointing people that had cheered me on toward my goal of being pain free. I was not focused on myself and my overall physical and mental health. So I stopped.

And do you know what pushed me over the edge to freedom? A simple blood test. In my efforts to remove inflammation in my body and feel good I had a blood test to see where I was at. My ESR was 42 (normal range is <20). The attempt to remove my inflammation, even though I didn't feel too bad, was not working. I could no longer rely on how I felt physically to determine how my body was reacting to food. So I started eating (within reason) what I wanted, I added the "wrong" healthy foods back to my life, slowly. I didn't stop myself from eating at a family gathering for fear of the result.

Another revelation was on a visit to the rheumatologist. My very first visit since being diagnosed with AS. We went through my history of symptoms and determined I had been symptomatic since the age of about 10. His thoughts were that I had been sore for a long time but that my body had adjusted to the pain and I did not know what it was like to be pain free. I laughed a little but then I cried. I cried because he could be right. What if I didn't know what it was like to be pain free? What if that was the reason for the stress in my life and my grumpiness was a result of the pain that I couldn't feel, or could feel but couldn't process as pain because it was with me all the time and it was my normal?

He also said that while I may be decreasing my pain by eating so restricted I was seemingly depressed (even though I kept a smile on my face - he could see through me, perhaps the crying gave it away) and that I needed to find a balance between eating "right" and being happy. I needed to find a way to include both healthy eating and happiness into my life. It was decision I struggled with for a long time but in the end I decided that the way to do this was to try the "evil" medication that I thought I would never try due to the potential side effects. After 4 months of deliberating I applied for biologics and by no surprise to my rheumatologist I was approved. The biologic journey is a whole other blog in itself (which I will leave that for another day) so I will end with this.

If your life revolves around your condition and what you are eating or not eating, you need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Where is your happy balance?

Don't let others tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your own body. Do research and try different things. Don't be scared away from something because of what others may think.

Regardless of what you choose, you will not fail. There is not definitive right or wrong choice that will determine the rest of your life. Whatever you choose to do or eat or take is up to you. And if you choose to stop and try something else, that is ok too.

You have not failed by trying something that doesn't work for you, you are simply living to the best of your abilities with the information you have at that present moment in your life. Whatever you choose is the right choice.

Whatever you choose, please make sure you are focused on the right goal. Is your goal to remove the bad things from your life or is your goal to be happy and healthy by removing bad things from your life? If you are removing the bad things but you are not healthy and happy then you need to reassess.

Good Luck on your journey to health. I will continue to post new recipes and other blogs every now and then, now that I am refocused and able to commit to my blog once more. Even though I am now trying biologics I am continuing to aim for a low starch/inflammatory diet.

If you have any questions about my life over the past year and my struggle with these changes, please feel free to comment below and I will do my best to answer them for you.

If you think you may be suffering from an eating disorder or any other psychological stress due to your current life situation, please contact your local GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist that specialises in these issues. You are not alone and you have not failed by seeking professional help.

AS Angel xx

Tahini Bread Rolls

As promised, here is the recipe for these tasty tahini bread rolls. I use these to make little burgers with my chicken or veggie patties and herb mayo (recipe to come) or as a side for a meal and they are great!! You can alter them slightly to create sweet or savoury rolls but this recipe is for a simple versatile bun.

Equipment

- Glass bowl
- Measuring spoons and cups
- Baking paper
- Baking tray

Ingredients

- 1/3 cup + 1Tbsp hulled tahini
- 1 egg
- 1/2 tsp baking soda
- 2 Tbsp almond butter
- 1 Tbsp honey (can use other sweetener)

Optional extras:
- Sesame seeds
- herbs (chives, parsley)

Method

1. Preheat oven to 180°C/350°F.
2. Place all ingredients in a mixing bowl and mix with a spoon until evenly combined.
**The textre should be quite thick and sticky
3. Line oven tray with baking paper.
4. Use a spoon to scoop your dough into desired amounts and position on baking paper to allow space for expanding.
5. Sprinkle some herbs and sesame seeds onto the top of the bun.
6. Place in oven for 15 minutes. Check to see if they are cooked. If not, cook for no longer than 5 more minutes.
7. Allow to cool before serving or just eat hot. Either way is fine :)

Pretty quick and easy to prepare. I have experimented with unhulled tahini as well as other nut butters but it doesn't work. The buns crumble and fall apart. I have also used more honey and added some berries to make a sweet snack and these have worked well. Experiment and have fun making new snacks. You can also make pretzels by rolling out the dough into thin strips and cooking. Go experiment and see what you can come up with.

Coco(a)-nut Slice

After something healthy and naughty? Then this coco(a)-nut slice is perfect for you. Packed full of healthy fats in the nuts and coconut oil, this is a must try for your next gathering, or just your go-to snack for those sweet tooth cravings. Who'd believe this raw vegan goody is low starch (caocoa powder can be starchy), dairy free and sweetener free?

Equipment:

Processor
Baking paper
Rolling pin

Ingredients:

1/2 cup almonds

1/2 cup macadamias

6 medjool dates

1 Tbs cocoa or cacao powder

2 tsp coconut flour

2 tsp coconut oil  + 2 tsp coconut oil

1/4 cup shredded coconut + 1/4 cup shredded coconut

Method:

1. Place nuts in the processor until it creates a flour like consistency.

2. Add dates and process until all dates and nuts are evenly mixed and mixture sticks together upon pressing with fingers

3. Add cocoa powder and coconut flour and process for 5-10 seconds to combine

4. Add coconut oil and pulse for about 5 seconds to combine

5. Add shredded coconut and pulse for about 3-5 seconds. We don't want the coconut over processed or it will become desiccated, which isn't the goal.

6. Check consistency again. The mixture should stick well when pressed with fingers against the edge of the processor.

7. Place mixture between two sheets of baking paper and roll out flat. Fold the sides over to create square edges and continue to roll and fold several times in each direction until you have a square of even thickness

8. Place shredded coconut and coconut oil into processor and pulse a couple times to break up and combine the shredded coconut with the oil.

9. Place mixture onto your slice and spread out to cover the top

10. Place baking paper back on slice and lightly roll over the slice to gently press the coconut into the slice to allow better sticking

11. Place in freezer for approximately 20minutes or until solid.

12. Take out and cut into pieces. Keep in freezer or refrigerator until served

**To be honest I don't know the shelf life for this recipe as it has never lasted long enough before being devoured, but it should keep for at least 5 days in the refrigerator and longer in the freezer.

Veggie Patties

The first time I created these bad boys it was a complete experiment using leftover ingredients in my fridge. The leaves weren't going to last another day and I didn't want them to go to waste, so I threw a bunch of things into the blender and adjusted as necessary to get the right consistency. And there was born the ultimate AS friendly veggie pattie. Gluten/Grain free, dairy free, starch free, wholesome goodness in a pattie. Now whenever my lettuces are on the way out, I throw them into the blender and create patties then eat them or freeze them for another day.

This recipe contains garlic which is said to be quite starchy, however whenever I have tested garlic I have found it to show no traces of starch. If you don't have any iodine to test your garlic and want to err on the side of caution, you can leave it out of the recipe and the patties will still taste great.

Equipment:

Blender or Processor

Pan

Glass bowl

Spoon

Egg flip

Spatula

Tongs

Paper towel

Ingredients:

2 cups roquette (arugula)

1 cup baby spinach

1-2 cloves garlic (more if you love garlic)

1/2 brown onion

handful of fresh herbs - coriander, chives, basil, parsley

1tsp dried oregano (I don't have fresh but you can use fresh)

1/2 tsp salt (optional)

1 Tbs chia seeds

1 egg

1 cup linseed/flaxseed meal

1/4 cup lupin flour

Oil for cooking (I use olive oil)

Method:

1. Place all ingredients except the linseed meal and lupin flour into a blender or processor. Process thoroughly until all ingredients are blended together. This mixture should be quite wet.

2. Pour mixture into a bowl and add your linseed meal then mix well. Then add your flour and mix together until it has absorbed any excess liquid. The mixture should be quite firm now but still a little wet to touch.

3. Roll mixture into balls, depending on the size of the patties you would like. A bit smaller than a golf ball should be fine for a small burger.

4. Heat oil in your pan to medium heat. There should be enough oil in the pan to cover the bottom and be about 5mm deep. We are shallow frying the patties.

**While the oil is heating it is a good idea to stir it occasionally to ensure an even temperature throughout the oil.

5. Once the oil is hot enough, place about 4 balls into the pan. They should have enough room to be pressed into a pattie without touching. Immediately use the egg flip to press down onto the patties, making them flat.

6. Allow to cook for 3-5mins (depending on size and oil temperature) then flip and repeat.

7. Once cooked on both sides, use tongs to remove the patties from the pan, allow excess oil to drip off, then place on a plate with paper towel to absorb any remaining oil.

**You can place the patties in the oven to cook more if they are not cooked enough upon testing. You can also do this if you would like to keep them warm during the frying process or to reheat and serve.

So, there you have it. Healthy AS friendly veggie patties. You can serve them with sauce or dip or alternatively they can be used in a burger.

Have fun experimenting with different herbs, ingredients and accompaniments.

AS Angel

Bone Broth

On a cold Winter's Day, all I want to do is curl up under a blanket and relax in the warmth. Given the cold weather effects my joints, causing stiffness and a bit of pain, this broth is my go to for recovery and prevention of pain, inflammation and illness. It is packed full of vitamins, minerals and fats important for overall health and warms you from the inside out without a lot of fibrous ingredients, to give your gut a break from digestion. You can use this broth as a base for most soups (like chicken noodle, of course).

Ingredients:

- 2 chicken carcasses (organic, free range, non-grain fed is best)
- 2Tbsp apple cider vinegar
- 2 celery tops and bottoms (save the sticks for the soup)
- 2tsp dried oregano
- 1 brown onion (cut in half)
- Water (approx. 8L)
- Salt (optional)

Method:

1. Place carcass into a large stock pot.

2. Add remaining ingredients into the pot and cover with approx 8L of water. The ingredients should be covered. If they are not, add more water until covered.

3. Place lid on pot and simmer on lowest possible heat for approximately 24hours. The longer the more nutritious the broth. The image above was a 40 hour broth.

4. When broth is ready to use, strain out the carcass and veggies.

*You can remove any scum that rises to the top during cooking, however there is no need to strain off the herbs or fats in the broth.

Halve the recipe if you don't want as much broth. I freeze the broth in batches so I have some handy when ever I need.

Lupin & Linseed Loaf

Craving a savoury bread is quite a challenge to overcome when you are not eating grains of any kind. Commercial gluten free breads are filled with nasties that often make the bread worse for us than their glutenous counterparts. And those breads that don't have other grains are generally nut or coconut flour based. Those with nut allergies can't have it or the bread is too sweet.

I decided to create a savoury bread that would hopefully have the ability to be toasted without crumbling to pieces. So here it is, my lupin and linseed loaf.

Lupins are part of the legume family. They are high in protein, dietary fibre and antioxidants, making them a great alterniatve to wheat in cooking. Although they are part of the legume family, they contain negligible amounts of trypsin inhibitors (known to interefere with digestion) often found in other legumes. Studies of Australian sweet lupins have revealed they suppress appetite, low the glycemic load of carbohydrate based foods and improve bowel health, just to note a few benefits. And for those following a Starch free diet, lupins are completely devoid of starch.

Linseeds (aka flax seeds) are high in dietary fibre as well as Omega-3 fatty acids. Paired with lupin flour it is full of healthy and tasty ingredients, that makes it a winner all around.

Equipment:

- Glass bowl
- Sieve
- Bread loaf tin
- Wire cooling rack
- Wooden spoon

Ingredients:

- 1 cup lupin flour
- 1 cup linseed meal
- 1 Tbs baking soda
- 1 tsp dried chives
- 1 Tbs Himalayan pink salt
- 4 eggs (small-medium in size)
- 1.5-2 Tbs honey
- 1 Tbs coconut oil

- spare coconut oil or butter

Method:

1. Pre-heat oven to 150°C/300°F.

2. Sift lupin flour and baking soda into a bowl with the linseed meal. Add dried chives and salt and whisk together until even combined.

3. Add remaining ingredients and combine using a spoon until evenly mixed.

4. Grease the loaf tin with coconut oil or butter to prevent the mixture from sticking during cooking.

5. Place mixture into the loaf pan and smooth out as much as possible. The mixture is quite thick so this may take a minute. Place in the oven for 45-50 mins.

6. Check if it is cooked by sticking a skewer through the middle of the loaf. The skewer should come out clean. If not, put back in for another 5 minutes and check again.

7. Take out of the oven and remove loaf from the tin. I usually do this using an egg flip to separate from the sides and bottom (in case a little bit got stuck). Place the loaf onto the cooling rack to cool.

*At this stage the sides of the loaf should feel slightly hard. They should harden a little more as it cools. If you want it a little harder you can put the loaf back in the over as is for 5 minutes.

Serve with a spread of toppings of your choice. I have used jams as well as toasted it under the grill topped with ham and cheese. It's completely up to you. You can try adding other herbs to use as a savoury side to a meal or you can use sweeter ingredients (perhaps add some soft fruit) to make a sweet bread.

Have fun experimenting with different flavours. Post a comment to let me know how it turns out.

The SWEPT Concept

I decided to create an acronym that accurately describes an average day for those suffering with Ankylosing Spondylitis, like myself. Whether or not you are suffering through severe degeneration and fusion or dealing with inflammation and stiffness, this acronym applies to you.

So, what is SWEPT?

SWEPT stands for Struggling With Easily Performed Tasks. Here are just a few tasks that others not suffering from an autoimmune condition (or certain other disabilities) would take in their stride without thinking twice:

• Rolling over to sit up or get out of bed
• Putting on your socks
• Tying your shoe laces
• Picking something up off the floor
• Tying up your hair
• Going for a drive in the car
• Running to catch that train you are about to miss
• Standing on the packed train because there are no seats left (no one is going to give their chair to someone with an invisible illness such as AS)
• Sneezing and/or coughing
• Getting dressed or undressed

I'm sure those with AS will think of more tasks that they struggle with each day but they are just a few. When you're SWEPT, it can seem a little demoralising. I mean how hard is it to tie your shoe laces, really? Sometimes it can make you feel so useless, to need to rely on other people to help you with the most simple tasks. You don't want to be a burden on them or have them think of you as failing at basic human functions.

I have come to realise that I am not a failure for needing help sometimes. While it can be frustrating, it is a symptom of my condition and that it is not something to be ashamed of. It has also taught me to appreciate when I CAN tie my own shoe laces and get up out of bed in those occasional pain-free moments.

When you are SWEPT, as much as it is frutrating, own it. Don't let it keep you down. Work on getting the task done and if that means taking a break or asking for help, them so be it. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

In the words of Michael Stipe "Everybody Hurts Sometimes".

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts

Please feel free to comment with other examples of times when you have been SWEPT.

Have a great Day

~AS Angel~