Why I Stopped - PSA (mental health post)

As some of you may have noticed, I have not posted for quite a while now. There is a reason and I wanted to share this reason with you all.

In January last year I was doing a juice and smoothie cleanse and felt great. Pain was pretty much non-existent (yay). It was hard not having solids but I was happy because my aim was to become pain free (body reboot) and I was achieving that, that was until it was time to start introducing foods again to see what caused my inflammation.

Trying to decide what food to try first and trying to monitor how I felt afterwards became quite a process. My life revolved around the food/smoothies and avoiding pain of AS. I started to become frustrated and anxious because whatever I ate "could" lead to inflammation and that scared me. I was afraid to eat because of the potential pain associated. AFRIAD TO EAT!!

Now, I like to believe I'm a strong minded person and I believe that my strength is the reason I did not spiral into anorexia from there. But I did have an eating disorder. It is not a common one and it does not get talked about but I know that I had it and I am glad I escaped it before doing damage to my body. If you have not heard of this, please research it as it is sneaky but just as harmful and can lead anorexia.

What I had was Orthorexia.

Orthorexia is described as an “unhealthy obsession” with otherwise healthy eating. I was trying so hard to make sure I didn't consume the wrong foods that would lead to inflammation so my food choices became very restricted, to the point where I could not eat anything other than salad ingredients and salmon without the fear of impending inflammatory pain. And one of the main reasons for this fear was believing that pharmaceutical drugs were evil and that I should NEVER use anti-inflammatories (other than bio curcumin) meaning that once I was in pain it would take time for the inflammation to leave my body and I would be back to square one with my juice/smoothie cleanse and that would mean I had achieved nothing.

I became quite snappy to anyone who told me I was losing too much weight. I knew I had lost weight (18% of my body weight) but I was not unhealthy and that it would be ok because as soon as I started eating again because the extra fats from meats, etc would put my weight back on. I even went to a dietitian to make sure my diet contained the nutrition I needed, which I was told it did.

But in reality I was not fine and my loved ones could see that. I wanted to believe that I was mentally strong enough to come out the other side and achieve what I had set out to do. I was mentally strong, but my mental strength was focusing too hard on the wrong thing. The fear of doing the "wrong" thing. Of eating the "wrong" thing. Of disappointing people that had cheered me on toward my goal of being pain free. I was not focused on myself and my overall physical and mental health. So I stopped.

And do you know what pushed me over the edge to freedom? A simple blood test. In my efforts to remove inflammation in my body and feel good I had a blood test to see where I was at. My ESR was 42 (normal range is <20). The attempt to remove my inflammation, even though I didn't feel too bad, was not working. I could no longer rely on how I felt physically to determine how my body was reacting to food. So I started eating (within reason) what I wanted, I added the "wrong" healthy foods back to my life, slowly. I didn't stop myself from eating at a family gathering for fear of the result.

Another revelation was on a visit to the rheumatologist. My very first visit since being diagnosed with AS. We went through my history of symptoms and determined I had been symptomatic since the age of about 10. His thoughts were that I had been sore for a long time but that my body had adjusted to the pain and I did not know what it was like to be pain free. I laughed a little but then I cried. I cried because he could be right. What if I didn't know what it was like to be pain free? What if that was the reason for the stress in my life and my grumpiness was a result of the pain that I couldn't feel, or could feel but couldn't process as pain because it was with me all the time and it was my normal?

He also said that while I may be decreasing my pain by eating so restricted I was seemingly depressed (even though I kept a smile on my face - he could see through me, perhaps the crying gave it away) and that I needed to find a balance between eating "right" and being happy. I needed to find a way to include both healthy eating and happiness into my life. It was decision I struggled with for a long time but in the end I decided that the way to do this was to try the "evil" medication that I thought I would never try due to the potential side effects. After 4 months of deliberating I applied for biologics and by no surprise to my rheumatologist I was approved. The biologic journey is a whole other blog in itself (which I will leave that for another day) so I will end with this.

If your life revolves around your condition and what you are eating or not eating, you need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Where is your happy balance?

Don't let others tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your own body. Do research and try different things. Don't be scared away from something because of what others may think.

Regardless of what you choose, you will not fail. There is not definitive right or wrong choice that will determine the rest of your life. Whatever you choose to do or eat or take is up to you. And if you choose to stop and try something else, that is ok too.

You have not failed by trying something that doesn't work for you, you are simply living to the best of your abilities with the information you have at that present moment in your life. Whatever you choose is the right choice.

Whatever you choose, please make sure you are focused on the right goal. Is your goal to remove the bad things from your life or is your goal to be happy and healthy by removing bad things from your life? If you are removing the bad things but you are not healthy and happy then you need to reassess.

Good Luck on your journey to health. I will continue to post new recipes and other blogs every now and then, now that I am refocused and able to commit to my blog once more. Even though I am now trying biologics I am continuing to aim for a low starch/inflammatory diet.

If you have any questions about my life over the past year and my struggle with these changes, please feel free to comment below and I will do my best to answer them for you.

If you think you may be suffering from an eating disorder or any other psychological stress due to your current life situation, please contact your local GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist that specialises in these issues. You are not alone and you have not failed by seeking professional help.

AS Angel xx